G. V. Subbaramaya (Part II)
At this time I was blessed with the rare good fortune of working with Sri
Bhagavan in the kitchen. Hours of duty were between 2:30 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. Sri
Bhagavan would come punctually at 2:30 a.m. and first spend some time in cutting
vegetables with the workers and devotees. Then he would enter the kitchen and
prepare sambar or chutney for break-fast, and occasionally some extra dishes
also.
At first I was an ignoramus in the work. As I saw Sri Bhagavan perspiring
profusely near the oven, I tried to fan him, but Sri Bhagavan objected. I
stopped, but as his attention was engrossed in work, I gently repeated the
fanning. Sri Bhagavan turning to me, laughed and said, "You want to do it
on the sly, but you do not even know how to do it effectively. Let me teach
you." So saying, he held me by the hand and taught me the proper way of
waving the fan. Oh! How I thrilled at this touch and thanked my ignorance!
From the kitchen we would adjourn to another room for grinding the mixture.
I did not know at first how to hold the pestle and grind. Sri Bhagavan placed
his hand upon mine and turned the pestle in the proper way. Again what a thrill!
How blessed was my ignorance!
After the work was finished, Sri Bhagavan would take out a bit from the dish,
taste a little of it and give us the remainder to taste, and sometimes when our
hands were unwashed, he would himself throw it into our mouths with his own
hand. That would be the climax of our happiness. Then he would hasten back to
the Hall and lie reclining on the couch and appear dozing as the brahmins
arrived for Parayana. Squatting so close to Sri Bhagavan, chatting and joking
with him and partaking of the fruit of his gracious labours, what a privilege
and good fortune! The work with Sri Bhagavan had its rigours as well as its
pleasures. Though Sri Bhagavan was all mercy and grace, he was at the same time
a strict disciplinarian. He would not tolerate the least sloppiness. Everything
must be done to perfection. Nothing should be wasted or spoiled. He would demand
full attention and implicit obedience to his directions. Each one was allotted a
duty and he must take his cue from the mere look of Sri Bhagavan. My duty, for
instance, was to supply salt and water, and whenever Sri Bhagavan glanced at me,
I must bring either of the two, understanding the need.
We used to wake up at 2 a.m., finish our ablutions and be ready before time to
report for duty. Once, however, I was late by five minutes. The work was already
going on. Sri Bhagavan tasting the preparation said that salt was a little in
excess, and turning to me, he added, "Since you were absent, I thought of
you at the moment of adding salt, and that is the reason for this excess."
That was Sri Bhagavan's way of reprimanding me for unpunctuality.
Another time the sour ingredient was slightly excessive. Sri Bhagavan, tasting
it, joked and said, "Acidity is the effective remedy for pittam
(giddiness). Since most of the people who come here are more or less giddy, this
preparation will do us all a lot of good!"
My two daughters, nine-year-old Lalita and five-year- old Indira came and stayed
in the Ashrama for a few days. Lalita was Sri Bhagavan's old favourite and
Indira was a fresh entrant into his favour. As usual Sri Bhagavan asked both the
children to sing and dance in the Hall. Indira would respond readily, but Lalita
having grown by now into a little lady, needed much coaxing to commence her
performance. Sri Bhagavan said, "What Lalita, I never asked anyone for
anything. But now you have made me seek your favour. Look at Indira. She is a
good child. Do emulate her example." So both the girls sang and danced
together while Sri Bhagavan sat up and looked on, beaming with gracious
pleasure. This 'entertainment' became a daily feature of Sri Bhagavan's 'Durbar'
during the children's brief stay.
One evening Lalita, having had her meal early, left with the ladies for town.
Indira now remaining alone turned to me and complained of hunger. Sri Bhagavan
at once took note of it and severely reprimanded me for delaying to feed the
child. He said, "What is your meditation worth if you neglect to serve your
child?" Such was his abounding grace to children.
"Why can't you be like me?"
Another night, Sri Bhagavan graciously enquired about my son-in-law's health,
which had been causing anxiety for some months. After hearing my tale of
domestic cares and worries, Sri Bhagavan looked me full in the face with utmost
sympathy and spoke in melting tones: "Why can't you be like me? You know
how I was when I arrived in Tiruvannamalai. There was a time when I went round
the town begging for food. In those days I was observing silence. So I would
pass down the street halting for a moment in front of a house and gently clap my
hands. If there was no response, I would pass on. Whatever food was thus got by
me and other associates, we would mix into one mass and take a morsel each. That
we ate only once a day. Now you see what changes have come outwardly, what
buildings have been raised and how the Ashrama has grown all-round. But I am
ever the same. Only the sun rises and the sun sets. To me there seems no other
change. So through all the vicissitudes of good and evil, you be like me and
whenever you are prone to depression and melancholy, you remember me."
These gracious words of Sri Bhagavan have been with me ever since and protect me
as a talisman against all the ills of life.
The Ashrama was very busy with preparations for the Kumbhabhishekam of the
Mother's shrine which was to be celebrated during the third week of March, 1949.
With the conclusion of the Kumbhabhishekam our happiness too seems to have
concluded.
Shortly before the function a small growth on Sri Bhagavan's left arm was
removed surgically. Shortly after the celebration a new tumour appeared at the
same place and grew rapidly. To my enquiry how the tumour would go, Sri Bhagavan
simply replied: "As it came, so it will go."
On January 14th, 1950, at noon, with special permission I went to take leave of
Sri Bhagavan and broke down completely. Sri Bhagavan called me close to him and
asked me to touch the affected arm. He graciously consoled me saying:
"Don't worry. It will go. As it came, so it will go. The body itself is a
disease, which may be termed Sthoulyam (grossness). The subtle Spirit is
encumbered with this lump of flesh called the body. The body is dead even while
the man is alive, for it is but insentient matter. Only the spirit gives it an
appearance of life and activity.... You people talk of the tumour and name it
Sarcoma Cancer. But believe me when I tell you that in my view there is no
tumour, nor Sarcoma Cancer at all."
Sri Bhagavan's vital energy was being sapped and his body appeared very weak and
anaemic. However, his face and look did not betray the least trace of pain and
suffering, but on the other hand glowed all the more with grace.
In view of Sri Bhagavan's weak condition, darshan was restricted to the queues
in the morning and evening, and except the personal and medical attendants, all
others were strictly forbidden to see Sri Bhagavan. So that night I started back
with a heavy heart. As I neared the wicket-gate of Sri Bhagavan's room, Sri
Jayadevalal who was guarding it whispered to me: "Do you want to see Sri
Bhagavan?" I replied "Yes, but there is no permission."
He said, "Never mind, get in," and he pushed me in. Sri Bhagavan lay
alone facing the entrance as though he was expecting to see someone. As soon as
I got up from prostrating at the doorstep Sri Bhagavan said, "Come
in." As I went in and stood before him, Sri Bhagavan asked me: "What
do you want?"
I said with streaming eyes: "I want Abhayam (security from
fear)." Sri Bhagavan replied with overflowing grace: "Saree icchanu
(Yes, I have given
it.)" Then he added: "Don't fear. As it came, so it will go."
At once I felt as though a heavy load were lifted from my heart and as I touched
His Lotus Feet with my hands and head a thrill of ecstasy passed
through my frame, and I felt like being plunged in an ocean of Peace and Bliss.
That vision of Sri Bhagavan and his gracious words granting me Abhayam
have taken permanent abode in my being and are guarding me from all life's ills.